I'll Be Missing You...

He was lying in his usual spot. Half asleep and half awake listening to one of his favorite game shows. I came home late that night. "Do you want any In-N-Out fries?"

He quietly shook head his no.

He was in my dream last night. He had a taste for In-N-Out.

The morning before just after dawn, I heard him call for "Help!" Twice. Within fifteen minutes. He called my name too. He had slightly fallen to his side and didn't have the strength to pull himself up. "Why do you keep falling down?"

"I don't know," he said as he put out his hand. I lifted him right side up.

In my dream he also asked for help. He needed a hand again.

When he was rushed to the hospital Tuesday night, I didn't think it be his last time at home.

Early Thursday morning, I felt an excruciating pain on the left side of my chest right upon my breast.

My father passed away December 1, 2011. 

My mind had prepared for this day for years, but my heart had not.

Every time I look out our front door window or as I pull into the driveway, I'm hoping that he'd be sitting his car. 

I keep thinking what could have I done differently. I should have taken care of him better. I should have pushed him more to take his medication. I should have. I should have...

Should have doesn't change anything. 

Life is going to be so different. It is different now. I miss him. I miss you, Daddy.

"Memories give me the strength I need to proceed, strength I need to believe..."